Dr. Simone’s Mind Space

Today‘s  podcast is in conversation with Dr. Christine, live from New York and off her therapist sofa. Together with Dr. Simone, live from Hong Kong, we discussed the topic of infertility, IVF treatments, and common themes and practices in our therapy sessions.

@drschwank

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@drchristineforte

@optimalperformancezurich

Spending another research trip in beloved Shanghai, yet feel as lonely as one can feel.

Arriving in the city, the central business airport and I’m the only western person passing migration.

Such an experience is very interesting, yet l certainly challenging, lonely, and lost in translation, despite the language proficiency. There is something difficult to put the finger on, but it’s a small mutual nominator that’s just not present. Therefore it’s very challenging to make oneself understood, even if speaking the same language. Especially, this doesn’t only apply to China, but places and countries, where the optical look of the person speaking the language don’t overlap. People per default don’t assume someone like me, a white woman speaking fluent Mandarin. It’s our inner stereotypes that mess with us. These stereotypes have been established over our lifetime and are short cuts for the brain to handle the vast information we’re exposed to. Nothing, a child learns earlier, then recognising the parents’ faces. Even the slightest changes have a profound effect on the facial recognition. It is potentially therefore, I wonder, that people have a harder time placing language and look, when it’s not matching their inner mental map. Many small interaction components are quite different, depending on the culture, such as minimal responses, gestures, and gazes. These components can all contribute to miss understandings and miss-interpretations. Then in addition, it depends on face values and how important it is to save face, a cultural difference among East and West. It refers to the ease of whether to dare to try and communicate even if the consequence is loosing face in public.

@drschwank

@unesurcent

Two generations ago, my family decided to move east and explore new territories. A fascination, admiration, and certain level of adventure certainly played a role. A love affair that I had already during early teens. Living in Shanghai was a true dream and returning for my PhD and onward research was almost too good to be true. This very research also connected my partner and me, an MD PhD with family originating from Shanghai. How can the world be so small? Now, my immediate family is also connecting east and west.

“We need more of this!” a lovely black New Yorker said to us! I couldn’t agree more. We need to unite and see the other side of the world, in order to appreciate and understand each other. The more we approach and accommodate each other, the more we see how similar and like-minded we are.

Global citizens are shaped by experiences, appreciation, and respect for others, always with a curious mind.

@drschwank

@unesurcent

@optimalperformancezurich

Many of us live in rush hour 24/7. Their everyday life in the hamster wheel. But how can we escape the hamster wheel and set boundaries for ourselves? How can we deal with the fear of missing out and where to say no or stop.

• We need to tolerate the consequences of boundary setting, for ourselves and our environment. This is also why it’s so hard, because you won’t get any positive reinforcement of your behavior of saying no.
• It needs insight, acknowledgement, willingness to change, and routine setting to escape the hamster wheel.
• The issue of dealing with one’s own FOMO is another struggle of saying no to oneself.
• Experiencing  FOMO is exhausting for both body and mind.
• FOMO makes us go and do all activities, even the ones we already know, we won’t enjoy.
• Instead of listening in, asking ourselves, if this really was something you wanted to do, or rather the worry it potentially could and therefore a must going.

@drschwank

@unesurcent

@optimalperformancezurich

We’re constantly on, rushing, running, trying to get a giant to-do list done. It is crucial to take some time out of your busy day, go for a 15min walk, a manicure, hair wash, facial massage, a candle light yoga time at home, something small, that’s giving you the care and nurture you need.

We all need me time minutes, to be a better partner, parent, boss for our employees, including ourselves, if we’re self employed.

Take this seriously, before you burn out ❤️

What could be more unsexy than having your doctor monitor your sex life, as intrusive as ultrasounds on a weekly basis. When under IVF treatment, or actually even before that, when trying and trying with no success, sex becomes performance driven, rather than passionate, seductive, emotionally intense, and exciting.

How can we keep this passion up and the performance pressure down?

• Arrange date nights, candles, bubbles, all you’d always done in the beginning of your romantic relationship.
• Try to live your couple’s life as normal as possible as before.
• Talk about your feelings of performance pressure.
• Find relaxing activities as an individual and couple.
• Seek support to talk about it with a professional.
• To be said: lots of the feelings listed above are very normal and also happen in couples not under IVF treatment.
• Try your best to be in the moment and enjoy.

@drschwank

@unesurcent

@optimalperformancezurich

Perinatal depression is a common challenge for new parents, one in 10 was the common standard. Perinatal mental health problems have however significantly increased during the pandemic, up to almost every other pregnant and postpartum women struggling with depression and anxiety. It is a dark place for the entire family, the couple, and the individuals. An untreated perinatal depression causes longterm consequences on the child’s mental health. Something that can with relatively little effort be avoided, if assessed early, the parent getting the nurture and outlet of someone listening and containing non-judgmental and fully present. It can feel awful and horrible as a parent to feel negatively and hating one’s own child, that was often extremely wanted, yet when struggling with perinatal depression one simply doesn’t have the resources to do so. Parents not struggling with perinatal depression at times can also feel that way. Being angry at times at your child is normal, children trigger our own inner child and childhood needs that haven’t been met. It’s important how to resolve a situation as such, not avoid that by all means.

Steps to get out:

• Seek professional help early.
• Get support and take the oxygen mask self first to help your child.
• Self care is essential to nurture and care yourself.
• Join a group of supportive non judgmental women and/or men.

@drschwank

@unesurcent

@optimalperformancezurich

Each individual deals differently when confronted with infertility. Some become very obsessed with their own health, very task-oriented, some depressed, some anxious, others angry and resentful.

It is important to accept the entire rainbow of emotions. Sometimes, seeking help as an individual and as a couple can relief some of the emotional pain.

• Look after yourself.
• Be kind to yourself.
• Be understanding to yourself.
• Give yourself some love.

@drschwank

@unesurcent

@optimalperformancezurich

We all have our habits and daily routines. Some of these lifestyle factors are more or less supportive and constructive for our health. Yet, changing habits, no matter how destructive they may be, is incredibly challenging. It takes time, perseverance, patience, willingness, and acceptance to make adjustments.

When facing infertility, lifestyle factors, as do physical, and mental factors play their role in the puzzle. It is important to look at the individual and the couple from a holistic perspective, seeing the individuals and their needs, in order to start any treatments. As helpless, paralyzed one can feel with regard to the medical components, one area we can all impact is our lifestyle.

Lifestyle benefits:

• Reduce chronic stress.
• Live a balanced healthy everyday life, no need to give up all your pleasures, coffee, sweets, and daily treats, as long as in balance, and not medically counter indicated.
• Routines: Take time for yourself each day.
• Ritual implementation: 15min fully devoted to yourself everyday.
• Nutrition: Eat well, live well.
• Take benefit of accessing wellness treatments for body mind connection.
• Stay romantic, even in the midst of IVF hormone injections, doctors visits, and all the emotional and physical symptoms it comes with.

@unesurcent

@drschwank

@optimalperformancezurich

Many couples have an idea of their trajectory of their relationship, including milestones they would like to achieve. Moving in together, decorating a joint home, travel, spend everyday life together, and plan the future ahead.

If couples are in a relationship for a long time, in addition do decide to get married, a natural follow up in most societies is the expectation of the couple having a child, preferably more than one. The more a couple feels the need to conform with society’s and family’s expectations, and the more specific personal goals they pursue, the more challenging when confronted with a clear full stop of their envisioned future plan: namely infertility.

Taking the journey as a couple:

• At this stage it’s very important for the couple to communicate and share future dreams and expectations.
• Redefine as a couple where you want to head.
• Share your personal time frame you’d feel comfortable to pursue.
• Seek out professional support with experience in dealing with the topic of infertile

@drschwank

@unesurcent

@optimalperformancezurich